I offer one on one counselling and therapeutic interventions and helping partners who are suffering from betrayal trauma to heal and I mentor partners in relational healing who are impacted by sexual addiction in their marriages. I have been trained in the Multidimensional Partner Trauma Model offered by APSATS and it enables me to have a sound foundation for assisting partners in their healing process. Recovery happens in three stages and each stage is vital in the recovery process.
My training helps me to understand the three stages of recovery from betrayal trauma to be:
Safety & Stabilization
Remembrance and mourning
Very often partners are being pathologized for not getting well rather than looking at what is going on in the relationship that she still doesn’t feel safe. Treatment-induced trauma occurs when the partner is blamed for her not getting better when she still is not safe in the relationship. It is important for the partner to feel safe and understood.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk confirms this “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (p.97”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Please contact me if you want me to support you in your recovery from betrayal trauma and to understand yourself better and how to deal with lies, narcissistic behaviour of the addict in your life, what gaslighting is and how to deal with guilt and blame shifting.
Partner Betrayal Trauma
This part of the journey in healing is very near and dear to my heart. I have mentored many women over the years in these disciplines and I helped then to get answers to the deeper questions they are asking when the storms of life are overwhelming. If you struggle to make sense of God in your storm and present situation and you are asking the "Why?", "Why me?", "Where is God in all of this?" or "Why does God allow all of this?" then I would love to help you to find meaning in your struggles. Please contact me and make an appointment if you need help.
What is Spiritual Transformation
As the apostle Paul says, we are to grow mature in Christ. We grow up into the head of the Body, who is Christ (Eph. 4:15) This "growing up" is the process of spiritual formation.
To be formed spiritually means to engage in specific practices and disciplines with one clear goal: to draw nearer to God in Christ and so focus less and less on self. Spiritual formation is also a process that sharpens our attentiveness to God and helps us to be more and more like Jesus, in the power of the Holy Spirit. These practices are shaped by our temperament and personality type.
Some aspects of spiritual formation are specific techniques of prayer and reflective reading of the Word, a lifestyle of integrating spiritual disciplines or exercises and the knowledge and expression of the truth of God and of self. The most important part of Spiritual Transformation is for me to understand what it is to live a surrendered life and to be conformed into the image of Jesus.
A few scripture passages point us to the place in the human personality that is the focus of spiritual formation:
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose…for whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. (Rom. 8:28-29)
Here we see a clear statement as to the purpose of God: To be conformed – the Greek means, "to be formed together," with Christ. God wants to take you and I and form us together with His Son unto His glory. Christ must be formed in us. But what exactly does that mean, and how does God accomplish such a thing?
Christ is formed in us when there comes an inner consciousness of Christ, or to put it another way, Christ is formed in us when we begin to know Him in an inward way. This inward knowing will grow to govern us. And because knowing Jesus equals knowing the Truth, we will likewise be set free from ALL ERRORS ABOUT GOD.
When women aren't healing from betrayal trauma, it is usually because they are still being lied to, blamed and psychologically or/and physically abused.
Because women heal better in groups, groupwork is a very effective way to adress the problems they are struggling with being married to a husband who is addicted to Pornography. I offer online women's groups in a small setting with only 5 women per group to journey together and this is a safe place for spouses to come and grieve the losses associated with their husband's sexual addiction.
If your want more information or are interested to do a group with me, contact me.
I will run four different groups troughout the year and I wil use the books mentioned below:
Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5 Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts by Vicki Tidwell Palmer. I add to this material the skills to handle triggers and I have a specific focus on boundary work with Narcissists and how to handle gaslighting. This group will be running in February. (12 weeks)
Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal (20 weeks)
Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stephanie Carned (3 months)
Living from the Heart Jesus gave you: This book is about being fully alive (12 weeks)
If a partner struggles and feel stuck in her recovery journey, Sand Tray Therpay can help her to get unstuck in her recovery.
Sandplay is a therapeutic modality while Sandtrays are used more typically as interventions paired with play therapy or verbal therapy. This intervention and modality can be used with adults, teens, and children as a projective technique.
Sandplay is a hands-on form of therapy that facilitates the psyche’s natural healing ability by providing a safe space and appropriate symbols to create a concrete manifestation of a person’s internal symbolic world. It is often an adjunct to verbal therapy or play therapy as a nonverbal way to express feelings and experiences often inaccessible or difficult to express with words.
Because sandplay truly is deep, internal work but very rewarding.
Sandtray interventions can be used in tandem with other forms of therapy, for example a treatment for a client who has been abused.
I believe marriages can heal. Couples facing the devastation of Porn Addiction in their marriages need specialised help and they can receive support and help to recover. Unfortunately Sex Addiction, emotional abuse, and narcissistic rage mre commonly treated as Marriage Issues but these issues are not marriage Issues. I offer help to couples to have full disclosure of their marriage situation and what recovery path to take.
Type B Trauma comes about as the result of psychological trauma, physical trauma, or emotional trauma, such as neglect (i.e. the absence of basic needs being fulfilled). Type A traumas include things such as abandonment, malnutrition, lack of affection or attention, absence of age-appropriate limits, an unhealthy emotional environment in the home, or even the lack of teaching of basic life skills.
Type B trauma results from specific traumatic events, such as physical, sexual, or verbal abuse; war; bullying, assault; a car accident; or a near-death experience—both when they are experienced or witnessed. The difference between these two types of trauma is that Type B category events may not always result in trauma, depending on the strength of a person’s emotional and psychological development, particularly in early childhood. A person with a healthier environment in early childhood is much more likely to develop a capacity to handle negative events. Studies show that around two-thirds of addicted adults had some type of childhood trauma. Addiction is often an attempt to self-medicate. For that reason, a teen going through a teen rehab treatment center program will very likely be led through a process of identifying events or situations that caused trauma.
Developmental trauma, or Complex PTSD, results from a series of repeated, often ‘invisible’ childhood experiences of maltreatment, abuse, neglect, and situations in which the child has little or no control or any perceived hope to escape. Growing up in an environment full of unpredictability, danger, parental inconsistencies or emotional abandonment, these individuals are left with ’hidden traumas’ that disrupts not only their psychological but also neurological and emotional development.
Your trauma will not be resolved by reliving (reenacting physically and emotionally) the traumatic experience. By itself, abreacting only gives me another chance to go through the terrible experience. To be resolved the partner must achieve a mutual state of mind with another person in the midst of the experience that will lead her to act like herself (maintaining a relationship), quieting together and then find meaning for her in the experience by discovering how God sees her at that moment. Even Bessel van der Kolk says: "Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives."
If you want to heal from trauma in your life, and want to discover how your body can never lie but always knows the truth of what happened to you, contact me to help you.